why?

the last couple of days have been tough. on the surface my situation does not look too bad compared to others' struggles. but, at the end of the day the weight of suffering is different for each person and a simple thing can hurt terribly for particular people. sometimes i think loneliness is the biggest struggle to face... but then again i do not know what i am going to have to face while i live here on earth so i might be biting my tongue.

sometimes, do you see that the Lord is trying to teach you through suffering? that He wants to use you through your suffering and that He wants the best for you but in order for His best you must struggle right now. and do sometimes do you feel like, Lord, i don't think i can take the sacrifice? i almost want to say that it's not worth it to me. but, if only i knew the full reward He has in store. then, i would laugh at the hardships i face now.

today, i am saying Lord, i'll take less than the best. but, fortunately, i really do not have a choice and He will give me His best in His time. He won't even give me the option of settling for less. i am praying He will give me the peace that passes understanding.

wow, that was pretty honest... but i want God to use me in my suffering. i want to be an empty vessel and sometimes that means being vulnerable.

i cried/laughed this morning as i read this devotional from elisabeth elliot... surely God sees my troubles right now...

"The terrible things in the world seem to make a mockery of the love of God, and the question always arises: Why!

There are important clues in the words of Jesus. The disciples' worst fears were about to be realized, yet He commanded (yes, commanded) them to be at peace. All would be well, all manner of things would be well--in the end. In a short time, however, the Prince of this world, Satan himself, was to be permitted to have his way. Not that Satan had any rights over Jesus. Far from it. Nor has he "rights" over any of God's children, including that dear mother. But Satan is permitted to approach. He challenges God, we know from the Book of Job, as to the validity of His children's faith.

God allows him to make a test case from time to time. It had to be proved to Satan, in Job's case, that there is such a thing as obedient faith which does not depend on receiving only benefits. Jesus had to show the world that He loved the Father and would, no matter what happened, do exactly what He said. The servant is not greater than his Lord. When we cry "Why, Lord?" we should ask instead, "Why not, Lord? Shall I not follow my Master in suffering as in everything else?"

Does our faith depend on having every prayer answered as we think it should be answered, or does it rest rather on the character of a sovereign Lord? We can't really tell, can we, until we're in real trouble."

For All the Saints

"And when the strife is fierce, the warfare long,
Steals on the ear the distant triumph song,
And hearts are brave, again, and arms are strong.
Alleluia, Alleluia

The golden evening brightens in the west;
Soon, soon to faithful warriors comes their rest;
Sweet is the calm of paradise the blessed.
Alleluia, Alleluia"