a different kind of weekend.

this weekend was nice... it really was. i can not say i really wanted to go. last week was busy, and i had already committed to work at camp marannook for the weekend at what they call "family camp". i left immediately after class on friday and came back this afternoon around 3. funny, i did not really want to go to marannook because i wanted rest this weekend. free time to catch up on things. yet, this weekend brought so much more rest than i would have received in auburn. i worked with a precious family. they had a 3 yr. old little boy with big blue eyes and curly blonde hair... precious!! they had a 4 month old little girl. so, needless to say she was

stuck to my hip all weekend and i loved it. well... mostly. it's going to be hard to come to the day i commit to having a baby. one that is full time, never leaves my side.

i think i am having withdrawals from little marriemma. oh my goodness, she was adorable. i officially felt like a mom when i had this crazy contraption wrapped around me with marriemma tagging along on a hayride. then, this morning i had one baby on the hip, the other hand taking pictures with a canon of the rest of the family. yep, i think i know what it feels like. i had nap duty, which gave me some time to sit on the front porch of the cabin in the middle of the woods and read my bible and journal. it was not super consistent, because someone was usually crying. however, the weekend was just great to get things in perspective.

however, tonight i came back to a crazy shenanigans chase that took me all over auburn, only for me to be killed in the end. blah. great way to begin the week.

oh well. hopefully one of my allies will go far and i can help that particular person and maybe that particular person will win due to some of my inside skills. just saying.

but, these days i have many things to worry about. so while i was at marannook and was able to think and not be so distracted my "auburn stuff", i begged God that He would reveal some truth to me... which He did. let me give you some.

"Cast your burden on the Lord and He will sustain you. He will never permit the righteous to be moved." - Psalm 55:22

"Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." - Matthew 11:28-30

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7

"For I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." - Philippians 4:11-13

"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." - Proverbs 19:21

"And God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. To our God and Father, be glory forever and ever. Amen." - Philippians 4:19

do you think God has things under control? i think so.

"But ah! Too soon the pleasing scene
Is clouded o’er with pain
My gloomy fears rise dark between
And I again complain,
Oh and I again complain

Jesus, my Lord, my life, my light
Oh come with blissful ray
Break radiant through the shades of night
And chase my fears away,
Won’t You chase my fears away"

- Thou Lovely Source of True Delight

"Be still, my soul:
thy God doth undertake
To guide the future,
as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence
let nothing shake;
All now mysterious
shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul:
the waves and winds
still know His voice
Who ruled them
while He dwelt below."

- Be Still My Soul

in the secret of his presence.

i typically restrain myself from writing too much. i don't particularly consider myself a good writer, therefore, i do not want to bore you with words about myself. but, i have come to realize i enjoy reading other's blogs and learning from them sometimes. and, well, today i am in a writing mood.

tomorrow starts spring break. i was about to say this is the last spring break i will ever have, but i guess that would be incorrect considering, Lord willing, i will be living according to a college schedule for the next two years, still. but, it will be the last spring break i have as a student. i will technically be a working adult next year, which makes the break a little different. anyway, i was just listening to pandora, and sandra mccracken's take on "in the secret of his presence" came on. this song actually reminds me of spring break, freshman year. i had this cd and listened to it all of the time, especially on spring break. i remember spring break was a good spiritual refresher for me, then, and i was soaking up hymns and books by elisabeth elliot and the bible. at that time, i had more extreme spiritual and emotional highs and lows, and would delve deeply into everything that would draw me nearer to God after a period in which i rebelled against Him or my sin was revealed so drastically. these days, i have less highs and less lows. it is a little more even kill. i am thankful for that, but sometimes miss those sweet times in which i would really feel the romantic love of Christ and the gospel would be so refreshing when i was in such desperate need. i have felt more complacent lately in my walk with God. i was reading a friend's blog recently. he was talking about prayer being what completes our relationship with God. it is what intimates us with Him. i spend a lot of time learning about Jesus and speaking about Him, but i do recognize my weakness in prayer. i don't meet with Him. i get distracted and want to do rather than just be. i want to use this week to know him intimately. my friend, lauren, has been gracious enough to open up her home in vero beach, fl to me and a few girls. i don't like to associate feelings or experiences with how well my spiritual walk is. however, the beach is always so refreshing to me and for some reason paints a picture of God's love for me. there is such power in the ocean, yet a gentleness and calm in the waves and in the shoreline. there is a raw beauty and everything is laid bare at the beach. so, i really look forward to meeting with God while i am down there. it is fascinating to me to reflect on His faithfulness to me during my time here at auburn.

here's my charge. listen to this hymn. it has been my anthem while here at auburn. He is truly all that satisfies. go to Him when you are thirsty. so often, i do not. i go to whatever pleasure will temporarily fill my hunger. yet, i'm always only hungrier. but, He is never ending joy, never ending peace, never ending love. i know this is true, because i have hungered enough to know what satisfies and what does not. however, our longing will never be fulfilled until we see Him face to face. i can't wait for that day.

In the Secret of His Presence

"In the secret of His presence how my soul delights to hide! Oh, how precious are the lessons which I learn at Jesus’ side!

Earthly cares can never vex me, neither trials lay me low;

For when Satan comes to tempt me, to the secret place I go,

To the secret place I go.

When my soul is faint and thirsty, ’neath the shadow of His wing

There is cool and pleasant shelter, and a fresh and crystal spring;

And my Savior rests beside me, as we hold communion sweet:

If I tried, I could not utter what He says when thus we meet,

What He says when thus we meet.

Only this I know: I tell Him all my doubts, my griefs and fears;

Oh, how patiently He listens! and my drooping soul He cheers:

Do you think He ne’er reproves me? What a false Friend He would be,

If He never, never told me of the sins which He must see,

Of the sins which He must see.

Would you like to know the sweetness of the secret of the Lord?

Go and hide beneath His shadow: this shall then be your reward;

And whene’er you leave the silence of that happy meeting place,

You must mind and bear the image of the Master in your face,

Of the Master in your face."

just what i needed.

i went to bed with heaviness of heart and awoke with that same idol wearing at me. nothing that completely tore me apart, but just enough to fog my day and to keep me from joy. thankfully, i was reminded of some truth this morning. i just pray that i will keep telling myself this truth today.

(one of my favorite passages in the Bible)

"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 9:8-10

"If none of God’s saints were poor and tried, we should not know half so well the consolations of divine grace. When we find the wanderer who has not where to lay his head, who yet can say, “Still will I trust in the Lord;” when we see the pauper starving on bread and water, who still glories in Jesus; when we see the bereaved widow overwhelmed in affliction, and yet having faith in Christ, oh! what honour it reflects on the gospel. God’s grace is illustrated and magnified in the poverty and trials of believers. Saints bear up under every discouragement, believing that all things work together for their good, and that out of apparent evils a real blessing shall ultimately spring—that their God will either work a deliverance for them speedily, or most assuredly support them in the trouble, as long as he is pleased to keep them in it. This patience of the saints proves the power of divine grace...

No man can be illustrious before the Lord unless his conflicts be many. If then, yours be a much-tried path, rejoice in it, because you will the better show forth the all-sufficient grace of God. As for his failing you, never dream of it—hate the thought. The God who has been sufficient until now, should be trusted to the end."

- C.H. Spurgeon

"On Jordan’s stormy banks I stand,
And cast a wishful eye
To Canaan’s fair and happy land,
Where my possessions lie.

All o’er those wide extended plains,
Shines one eternal day;
There God the Son forever reigns,
And scatters night away.

No chilling winds nor poisonous breath
Can reach that healthful shore;
Sickness, sorrow, pain and death,
Are felt and feared no more.

When shall I reach that happy place,
And be forever blessed?
When shall I see my Father’s face,
And in His bosom rest?

I am bound for the promised land."

- Samuel Stennent, "On Jordan's Stormy Banks"

being disciplined.

God revealed so much truth to me this weekend at winter conference. john stone, the RUF assistant coordinator, was the speaker. He spoke on "the cross and Christ". my friends and i chuckled, saying how original. does not everything involve Christ and the cross? but, it was new and fresh and what i needed at this point. thank you Lord for fixing my eyes upon Yours. this is going to be a lot of words, but i want to provide this scripture for you, too. the final message on sunday, john stone spoke on Hebrews 12. these verses are basically where i am at right now and want to be for the next couple of months. in fact, he said, i challenge you to meditate on the scripture for the next 3-4 weeks. it is so rich and i need to remind myself of this truth every day!

here goes...

"Therefore since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

'My son, do not regard lightly the

discipline of the Lord,

nor be weary when reproved by him.

For the Lord disciplines the one He

loves,

and chastises every son whom He

receives.'

It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful, rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees and make straight paths for your feet so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed."

- Hebrews 12:1-12

from my sophomore girls' James study...

"The Bible, the word of God moves from being an interesting book to being food, air, water for you. If you are dying of thirst and someone gives you a glass of water, you don’t look at it and say, 'Well, how interesting.' You consume it. You devour it. You desire more and look for it. You’ll do anything to get it."

and finally...

"Yea more, with His own hand He seemed

Intent to aggravate my woe;

Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,

Blasted my gourds, and laid me low.

Lord, why is this, I trembling cried,

Wilt thou pursue thy worm to death?

“’Tis in this way, the Lord replied,

I answer prayer for grace and faith.

These inward trials I employ,

From self, and pride, to set thee free;

And break thy schemes of earthly joy,

That thou may’st find thy all in Me.”

- I Asked the Lord, John Newton

be still, my soul.

"Be still, and know that I am God" - Psalm 46:10

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In every change He faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend

Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake

To guide the future as He has the past.

Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;

All now mysterious shall be bright at last.

Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know

His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on

When we shall be forever with the Lord,

When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,

Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.

Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,

All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

why?

the last couple of days have been tough. on the surface my situation does not look too bad compared to others' struggles. but, at the end of the day the weight of suffering is different for each person and a simple thing can hurt terribly for particular people. sometimes i think loneliness is the biggest struggle to face... but then again i do not know what i am going to have to face while i live here on earth so i might be biting my tongue.

sometimes, do you see that the Lord is trying to teach you through suffering? that He wants to use you through your suffering and that He wants the best for you but in order for His best you must struggle right now. and do sometimes do you feel like, Lord, i don't think i can take the sacrifice? i almost want to say that it's not worth it to me. but, if only i knew the full reward He has in store. then, i would laugh at the hardships i face now.

today, i am saying Lord, i'll take less than the best. but, fortunately, i really do not have a choice and He will give me His best in His time. He won't even give me the option of settling for less. i am praying He will give me the peace that passes understanding.

wow, that was pretty honest... but i want God to use me in my suffering. i want to be an empty vessel and sometimes that means being vulnerable.

i cried/laughed this morning as i read this devotional from elisabeth elliot... surely God sees my troubles right now...

"The terrible things in the world seem to make a mockery of the love of God, and the question always arises: Why!

There are important clues in the words of Jesus. The disciples' worst fears were about to be realized, yet He commanded (yes, commanded) them to be at peace. All would be well, all manner of things would be well--in the end. In a short time, however, the Prince of this world, Satan himself, was to be permitted to have his way. Not that Satan had any rights over Jesus. Far from it. Nor has he "rights" over any of God's children, including that dear mother. But Satan is permitted to approach. He challenges God, we know from the Book of Job, as to the validity of His children's faith.

God allows him to make a test case from time to time. It had to be proved to Satan, in Job's case, that there is such a thing as obedient faith which does not depend on receiving only benefits. Jesus had to show the world that He loved the Father and would, no matter what happened, do exactly what He said. The servant is not greater than his Lord. When we cry "Why, Lord?" we should ask instead, "Why not, Lord? Shall I not follow my Master in suffering as in everything else?"

Does our faith depend on having every prayer answered as we think it should be answered, or does it rest rather on the character of a sovereign Lord? We can't really tell, can we, until we're in real trouble."

For All the Saints

"And when the strife is fierce, the warfare long,
Steals on the ear the distant triumph song,
And hearts are brave, again, and arms are strong.
Alleluia, Alleluia

The golden evening brightens in the west;
Soon, soon to faithful warriors comes their rest;
Sweet is the calm of paradise the blessed.
Alleluia, Alleluia"

the bottom line is...

"These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out they would have opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city...

And all these, though commended through their faith, did not receive what was promised, since God had provided something better for us, that apart from us they should not be made perfect. Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every eight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross despising the shame and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 11:13-16, 39-40; 12:1-2

if those verses do not put things into perspective, i do not know what will. God has prepared a place for me. He has given a calling for me here on this earth, and all i can do is wait upon Him. i will fix my eyes on Him and He will not steer me in the wrong direction. Thank you, Jesus.

last night at church, which was exactly what i needed to hear... Pastor Rick Stark said that Jesus says, i think 10 (can't remember exactly) times, He is I AM in the book of John. what does that mean? that we need to believe who He says He is, and so often i don't. so, i decided to do a little exploring of the Great I AM.

"For the works that the Father has given me to accomplish, the very works that I am doing." - John 5:36

"I am the living bread that came down from heaven." - 6:51

"my testimony is true, for I know where I came from and where I am going, but you do not know where I come from or where I am going." - 8:14

"believe the works, that you may know and understand that the Father is in me and I am in the Father." - 10:38

"Believe me that I am in the Father and the Father is in me." - 14:11

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser." - John 15:1

"I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." - 15:5

"God said to Moses, "I AM WHO I AM." And he said, "Say this to the people of Israel, 'I AM has sent me to you.'" - Exodus 3:14

O Help My Unbelief

1. How sad our state by nature is!
Our sin, how deep it stains!
And Satan binds our captive minds
Fast in his slavish chains
But there's a voice of sov'reign grace,
Sounds from the sacred word:
"O, ye despairing sinners come,
And trust upon the Lord."

2. My soul obeys th' almighty call,
And runs to this relief
I would believe thy promise, Lord;
O help my unbelief!
To the dear fountain of thy blood,
Incarnate God, I fly;
Here let me wash my spotted soul,
From crimes of deepest dye.

3. Stretch out Thine arm, victorious King,
My reigning sins subdue;
Drive the old dragon from his seat,
With all his hellish crew.
A guilty, weak, and helpless worm,
On thy kind arms I fall;
Be thou my strength and righteousness,
My Jesus, and my all.

"Calmer of My Troubled Heart" - Matthew Smith

Calmer of my troubled heart
Bid my unbelief depart
Speak, and all my sorrows cease
Speak, and all my soul is peace.
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Comfort me when e’er I mourn
with the hope of Thy return
And til I Thy glories see
Help me believe in Thee
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

His Love Can Never Fail.

hymn 2... "His Love Can Never Fail" by E.S. Hall.

His Love Can Never Fail

1. I do not ask to see the way

My feet will have to tread;

But on

ly that my soul may feed

Upon the living Bread.

'Tis better far that I should walk

By faith close to His side;

I may not know the way I go, But oh, I know my Guide.

Refrain

His love can never fail, His love can never fail,

My soul is satisfied to know His love can never fail.

My soul is satisfied to know His love can never fail.

2. And if my feet would go astray,

They cannot, for I know

That Jesus guides my falt'ring steps,

As joyfully I go.

And tho' I may not see His face,

My faith is strong and clear,

That in each hour of sore distress

My Savior will be near.

Refrain

3. I will not fear, tho' darkness come

Abroad o'er all the land,

If I may only feel the touch

Of His own loving hand.

And tho' I tremble when I think

How weak I am, and frail,

My soul is satisfied to know

His love can never fail.

Jesus, I My Cross Have Taken.

i love some hymns! yes, i do. one of my favorite things about RUF are the beautiful hymns we get to sing. i just want to share one that we sang last night that basically made me want to shout. enjoy... and have a good tuesday!

Jesus, I My Cross Have Taken

1. Jesus, I my cross have taken,

All to leave and follow Thee.

Destitute, despised, forsaken,

Thou from hence my all shall be.

Perish every fond ambition,

All I’ve sought or hoped or known.

Yet how rich is my condition!

God and heaven are still my own.

2. Let the world despise and leave me,

They have left my Savior, too.

Human hearts and looks deceive me;

Thou art not, like them, untrue.

O while Thou dost smile upon me,

God of wisdom, love, and might,

Foes may hate and friends disown me,

Show Thy face and all is bright.

3. Man may trouble and distress me,

’Twill but drive me to Thy breast.

Life with trials hard may press me;

Heaven will bring me sweeter rest.

Oh, ’tis not in grief to harm me

While Thy love is left to me;

Oh, ’twere not in joy to charm me,

Were that joy unmixed with Thee.

4. Go, then, earthly fame and treasure,

Come disaster, scorn and pain

In Thy service, pain is pleasure,

With Thy favor, loss is gain

I have called Thee Abba Father,

I have stayed my heart on Thee

Storms may howl, and clouds may gather;

All must work for good to me.

5. Soul, then know thy full salvation

Rise o’er sin and fear and care

Joy to find in every station,

Something still to do or bear.

Think what Spirit dwells within thee,

Think what Father’s smiles are thine,

Think that Jesus died to win thee,

Child of heaven, canst thou repine.

6. Haste thee on from grace to glory,

Armed by faith, and winged by prayer.

Heaven’s eternal days before thee,

God’s own hand shall guide us there.

Soon shall close thy earthly mission,

Soon shall pass thy pilgrim days,

Hope shall change to glad fruition,

Faith to sight, and prayer to praise.

(You can find a great version of this song on ITunes by Andrew Osenga)